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| Category: Emotional Healing |
Date published: February 25, 2004 |
 My brother was killed in a tragic accident in his early 30's. His pregnant wife and three daughters, under the age of 5, survived him. Many lives were profoundly changed as a result of his death.
My brother was a highly ethical man who had very concrete ideas about family and what his role in a family would be. Like many men, he intended to re-write his own history and be the father that, perhaps, his father was unable to be. Being a man's man he would have fulfilled his role as family protector and provider. More than this, though, he had envisaged his marriage as an equal partnership. Without doubt, he aspired to be the kind of father that all children need and want and I believe he would have been the kind of father that most men dream of being.
Although many men do not voice their expectations of themselves as fathers, I believe that most men have a deep desire to be exceptional fathers. From the moment a man is told that he is going to be a father he starts to plan the "ball games." He imagines protecting his daughter from boys like himself. He starts planning for the child's education and often he states out loud what occupation his child is likely to take up (usually his own). You often hear a father refer to his future business as "Me and Son." He envisions his son having everything in life that he did not; becoming the Champion athlete that he was not. His daughter is going to be the most beautiful in the land - his daughter, his princess.
Recently, I was contacted by one of my brother's daughters. She explained that she felt her life was a jigsaw puzzle with many missing pieces. She felt that her memories of her father were a combination of her imagination and her mother's memories, and that this created a very incomplete picture of him. She asked me to share some of my memories with her, in hopes that this would create a more balanced picture of the man her father was.
She is in her early 20's now: an age when most of us look back and try to connect the dots; an age when we try to know and understand ourselves by reaching into our history. This is an age when we start to consider how our personality, talents and emotions play into who we are. We are more aware of our "gene pool" and wonder how much of "who we are" is a product of that genetic pool. We wonder if having a better understanding of our parents will allow us to better understand ourselves.
Deep within us all is the need to love our parents. We need to know that, above all else, our parents love us. Without this, there is "a Soul Emptiness," a disconnection from our selves.
We all need our childhood memories. They are as necessary as our vital organs. Without them, we are incomplete. In the absence of real memories, we tend to adopt imagined memories.
My mother, sister and myself have been gathering, talking and writing down as much as we can remember about my niece's father. It has opened up a lot of sadness but so much joy as well. One memory will set off another and so much of what we have laid to rest and left unspoken has been allowed to re-surface. Pain has a way of being pushed so far down that we sometimes forget it's there. Of course, it is always there, just below the surface, and in many ways, it continues to choke us. Self-preservation is often the core reason for denial.
Just prior to hearing from my niece, I had been talking with a couple of men, who, after a long absence, had returned to town and were attempting to reconnect with their now grown-up daughters. I am not sure why or how I became engaged in these conversations (probably because I was being led to write this page), but three different men, in three slightly different circumstances, had the same agenda: To get to know their 20-something year old children. Or, perhaps, they needed to allow their children to get to know them. I believe that in their own way, each of these men was seeking to complete that same jigsaw puzzle that my niece referred to.
Just as childhood memories are a part of "who we are", and their absence leaves us with a sense of being incomplete, it might be, for those of us who are parents, that parental memories, or their absence, leave us with an equal sense of being incomplete.
I believe a revolution is taking place in which absent fathers, who have been silent and whose role in a child's life has been minimized for far too long, will be "stepping up to the plate," demanding that they be included in their child's memories.
It's certainly common for society to label absent fathers as selfish, irresponsible and even redundant forces in their child's lives. While this may be true of some absent fathers, I don't believe it is the predominant truth of all absent fathers. As my father used to tell me, "I did the best I could, at the time I was in, with the limited understanding that I had." Or to put it more succinctly: If I had known better, I would have done better.
I am using the term "absent father" here for convenience. The term "absent parent" could, and should, be substituted throughout. My definition of "absent" is not restricted to "physically not there." It extends to include emotionally, financially and spiritually, not there.
Recently, in Australia, there has been a great deal of media exposure given to the "Stolen Generation". The term "stolen generation" refers to Aboriginal children who where taken from their parents by the Australian Government, in the late-1800's through the mid-1900's, and either placed with white anglo-saxon families or in government orphanages. My limited understanding of this is that the Government's actions were intended to breed out the Aboriginal race - a form of genocide. (I'm sure some people will take offence at this comment, but, what the hell, it is "my" understanding.) I mention the "stolen generation" here because I see a similarity between Aboriginal children, during this era, being denied access to their culture, language and customs by removing them from their family environment and modern day children being denied access to their absent parent. It is only now that Australian's are beginning to understand the ramifications of the Government's actions in that era. Basically, we now have an entire generation who had their childhood memories stolen and who are demanding that the country formally apologise. They demand to be told, "We are sorry." The children of the 1970's and 80's have become young adults and we may well refer to them as "the abandoned generation". Could we now have over 100 years adding up to this one common denominator: I am sorry?
This page is absolutely not about guilt or shame. It's time to stop pushing down our resentment; time to step out of our denial and find our voices.
Our children are now referred to as Generation X-ers. Generation X-ers are portrayed in the media as being feral, violent, materialistic and lazy. While there may be an element truth to the media's portrait of these children, high unemployment, homelessness, drug and alcohol abuse, and mental health issues have predictably influenced and affected Generation X.
In my opinion Generation X is going to be the generation that will change the world.
The baby boomers had the 60's and the 60's were the beginning of history reinventing itself. History up until the sixties followed a natural course. That course was to do as your fore fathers had done. Children did not have a voice, they did not ask questions and they did not challenge the way things were done. Your parents set an example and you followed that example. If you were miserable, confused or unfulfilled you kept your mouth shut and "did the right thing".
The baby boomers decided to completely turn this upside down and challenge and rebel against what did not make sense any more. With the introduction of the pill we saw the decline of marriage and the freedom of multiple partners. Play became as important if not more important than work. We did not move into the family home or take over the family business. We travelled and indulged our senses. We strove for higher education. We stopped teaching our children by "strapping them" into behaving. We explained things and listened to Responses.
This was a fabulous time and we benefited greatly, we prospered, we became much smarter and healthier. We gained greater freedoms including freedom of movement, speech and expression. We made our own music and had fun, fun, fun.
Unfortunately we sacrificed the traditions of the family. This is the legacy for generation X. Generation X "The abandoned generation", The fatherless generation. To a very large degree the boomers swung too far from the centre and it appears that Generation X is now trying to clean up the fallout. Many have been wounded, some have been broken. Overall it is now time to attain balance.
Generation X is looking for its fathers and they will not be silenced, they will demand answers. They are educated and informed and they will look you in the eye and ask you point blank what they need to hear. Now, if you think for one moment that you have a sad story all prepared you had better think again. These people know truth, they expect truth, and they have laser like eyes that with penetrate you if you try to give them anything less than the truth.
These kids want and need their childhood to make sense. They need their memories. There are many reasons for absent fathers and what is, is. As I mentioned previously this page is not about guilt, resentment or shame. I simply need to bring to your attention that the time has come to stand up and be counted. Much can be explained and probably should be but at the very least we all need to know we matter, never as much as we need to know this from our parents. Fathers also need to hear from their children that they also matter.
My niece has only our memories but for millions of others those memories are available and should be given. Reading this now you may be holding back some information that could complete someone. Why not give it over?
Many women have been devastated and are extremely hostile towards the fathers of their children. Some women don't know who those fathers are and lets face it some are in a situation that requires no contact.
Ideally contact should be made with the father and all hostility put aside. This should only be about the child and not about the adults. If a meeting cannot be arranged then perhaps a letter. Contacting the father's family can also provide a lot of information. If all this is totally out of the question then at the very least sit down with you children and take out all the animosity and try and give the child some understanding of who and what the father is or was about.
In most cases this man was good enough to sleep with and at sometime you saw something special to him, put everything else aside for a moment and recall what that was.
Simple things like the music, movies and books he liked. His facial expressions and sound of his laughter. See if you can find photographs (Ask his family for some) Find out about his parents and siblings, who were his friends? Where did he grow up? Did he play sport or a musical instrument? What did he like and how did he do at school? There is so much that can be filled in if you allow it.
Maybe your ex became a real loser or perhaps even dangerous but most often this is not by nature as much as his life events. It's vitally important to remember that your child has this gene pool and will know or sense the basic nature of the father.
Please understand I am not talking exclusively about absent fathers. Of course there are absent mothers, sometimes absent parents all together. There are also issues with adopted children and more recently sperm bank children. My reference is about the absence of a connection with blood relatives. This also applies to the parent as well. The parent is also a victim of abandonment. Grown ups are still kids too you know. We tend to overlook the immense pain and loss a parent feels when they become estranged from the child.
I also bring to attention the many households in which all family members are physically present but abandoned none the less.
"Fear of abandonment" is at the root of almost every psychological hang up. Any therapist will tell you that jealously, insecurity, aggressiveness, lack of intimacy, low self esteem or any other emotional imbalance will ultimately have a basis in "fear of abandonment". How can we not hold deep fears if we were abandoned in the one place we should have been safest, by the one person who should have valued us more highly than anyone else.
We need to re-connect and we need to talk and listen.
I remember a male friend of mine who had a falling out with his brother. They went 2 years without contacting each other. They met up at a party and stood nearby each other for a long period of time without speaking. Finally they did speak and by the end of the day it was obvious that everything had been sorted out. I asked my friend what had been said to bring them back together. He said, "Nothing, we were just talking". I asked what they had talked about and he said "football".
(Women find this a strange phenomena - It's the male version of "secret women's business")
I often refer to this story as "2 dogs peeing on a tree". Men seem to speak without talking and think they have covered everything. It is rarely good enough and certainly never good enough if you are communicating with females or kids.
Men also spend money or tell jokes and consider this is communicating with their kids. Kids will certainly take advantage of the money but don't kid yourself that you have connected.
Usually Jokes from fathers are rarely funny. Lectures are never considered to be "good advise" and fathers are hardly ever "cool." Have you ever noticed when you are being "cool", your daughters lip curls up and she rolls her eyes upward? This is kid speak for "Your such a dag"
When my niece first contacted me she started the letter with:
"I have been wanting to write to you for most of my life, but I did not know what to say".
This was said again by all three fathers I mentioned. "I want to get to know my child but I don't know what to say".
(Then there is a pause of 20 something years)
Plain and simple: Cut the crap; speak with open and honest words from an open and honest heart. Maybe you will stumble and maybe you will fumble but even the smallest effort will speak loudly. I am sorry. I love you and you matter. Say it anyway you like, but say it now. www.reinventingmyself.com
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