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| Category: Emotional Healing |
Date published: November 29, 2006 |
 THE NEED TO CONTROL
The need to control comes from a deep fear resonating within you. Your fear may not be recongnisable to you on the surface however it is present non-the less. This fear is controlling you in a sense, because your decisions and choices are made from your fears and what they may create for you in your life. Whenever this need to control is present there always underlies a lack of trust.
An example of this may be the need to control your children in their behaviour and discipline. I am not saying that children don't need discipline; absolutely they do. They need boundaries, guidance and safety, as we all do in our lives. To guide and support your child is the opposite of controlling them. It is your responsibility to prepare your children for their life and to teach them skills to ready them for their path. Allowing your ability as a parent to guide them is not the same as trying to control them.
So in this instance, where lies the fear? It may be your fear of them not turning out to be the person you want them to be (which is actually trying to control who they are and any amount of control will not change the outcome of their personality.) You may worry that someone else will not approve of and accept your children. You may be concerned that others are judging you as a parent and so you put more time and effort into being the `perfect parent.' The need to be perfect is always controlling. Having trust that your parenting abilities are exactly what your child needs to grow and learn makes for a much more rewarding journey for both parent and child.
Perfectionism is a lack of trust in the highest form. We all desire our lives to flow freely without too many bumps in the road, however striving to have everything perfect is a very tall order. Having everything you want in your life is definitely achievable, but trying to control your life to get there is like trying to control the weather. It doesn't matter how much you try to make the sun to shine, if there is rain the clouds it will come. On the other hand, if we trust that the weather is just as it needs to be at this point in time, it takes the pressure off and allows a sense of freedom.
Let's do an exercise and see how `trying to control' physically affects your body. Close your eyes and imagine you are faced with a hectic day full of very challenging tasks and not knowing how you are going to achieve the desired results at the day's completion. You only have one set of hands, limited hours and no help. Picture yourself under stress all day and feel the pressure you are putting upon yourself to achieve such results. Now notice what you are feeling in your body. Is tension in your shoulders? Do you feel pressure in your neck? Is there an ache in your head, maybe tightness in your chest?
Now picture the same day with a different approach. Visualise yourself achieving the perfect results for that day. Trust that you will get done everything that is necessary. Know the deadline is variable and therefore no pressure for you do perform more than you are capable of. Trust that you will receive help if you require it and acknowledge if the help doesn't arrive, that is acceptable also. Know in your heart that all is great and you will have a fantastic day.
Now notice what is happening in your body. Do you feel calmer? Are you serene, happy and maybe even peaceful? Are you approaching your day with more positivity and an excited anticipation? At the end of the day, are you feeling a sense of self-fulfillment because of how much you achieved?
It changes your whole perception of life and how you experience each situation. Acceptance of your circumstances is putting it into practice. If you can accept your experiences as they are rather than trying to change them, all pressure is released from you instantly. Being in a state of control feels like a compression that crushes your creativity and does not allow your true self to shine through. This is also true for your loved ones. If they are being controlled, it is not safe for their true self to emerge and can therefore feel driven to start complying to please the controller and lose themselves in the process.
This powerful tool of allowing provides you with freedom. Accepting instead of controlling is very powerful. The ability to `let go and allow' is your inner power promoting freedom in your life. Letting go of the attachment to the outcome and knowing that wasting energy worrying about a situation will have no bearing on the end result, changes your experience in each circumstance. It allows you to enjoy rather than worry. Refusing to control will significantly reduce pressure and feeling burdened in your life. It is your choice and you can have a life to enjoy rather than one of constant anxiety and tension.
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