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| Category: Conflict Resolution |
Date published: March 27, 2007 |
The Difficult Conversation
by Mark Susnow
 In last month's Letters on Life, I wrote about becoming a master of communication. I left out a discussion of perhaps the most fundamental skill in achieving this final piece. It's a skill that is difficult to master because we do everything we can to avoid having it. It's learning how to have that difficult conversation, the one we are avoiding. You know what it is. It can show up anywhere in your life but usually it shows up at home with your loved ones or in the workplace. If you don't have the conversation you won't become skillful at having it. And if you don't communicate what's on your mind the situation will become worse. It won't go away. We avoid having this conversation because of our fear of confrontation. We are afraid of what the other person might do or say and of the consequences of our expressing our feelings or opinions.
I believe that in almost every situation between two people there is a "conversation" that can begin the healing process. But if you don't have this conversation you end up enduring the pain indefinitely. Let me give you an example from my own life. For many years Sean and I were very close, almost like brothers. But things started to change. Sean started to distance himself and seemed to shut down around me. Even though I noticed this happening I didn't say anything. I was afraid of what I thought Sean might say. Our conversations remained cordial yet superficial and eventually we stopped communicating and went our own ways. I lost touch with Sean.
It was approximately 20 years later when I had a chance encounter with Sean that I got to have that conversation. After a busy day of running errands in an obscure place I noticed an attorney's office. I walked inside and there was Sean. It was a special moment for both of us. I told Sean how special he was in my life and how hurt and disappointed I was when we went our separate ways. Sean shared his journey with me. He said he had to hit bottom and as part of that process he pushed everyone away. For many years I felt that it was because of me that the relationship broke down. Part of me felt like a failure. Sometimes having these conversations is a risk. I certainly felt that way walking into that office but I'm glad I did. I spoke my truth and found out that I was not responsible for Sean and I going in different directions. We both understood what it was that at one time had connected us. We also understood that we were now walking different paths.
Probably the most fertile ground for having these conversations is with your significant other. Sometimes trying to figure out love relationships can drive you crazy. Prior to meeting Annie I was in an unsatisfactory relationship for three years with Lori. I accepted the circumstances of the relationship because I didn't want to confront the truth. Lori and I wanted different things from life. I wanted to have a family but Lori was ambivalent. I also didn't want to be alone but the truth was that even though I was in a relationship I was alone. If I would have been willing to accept the truth it would have been easier to have that conversation. Instead for almost three years I avoided it. Finally things came to a head and we had that conversation. If I was more truthful with myself I would have had that conversation much sooner.
What can we learn from the few experiences that I have shared with you? I know most of you have had similar ones. Rather than confronting the other person you avoid having the conversation. As I have shared with you all that does is prolong the tension and stifle any real communication. Here are a few ideas that hopefully can be helpful in the process.
Whenever you experience conflict or tension make the commitment to have the conversation. Think of confrontation as an opportunity for deepening the connection with the other person. Look at this way. Conflict=Confrontation=Opportunity.
Select a supportive environment. You want to be strategic. Think of a supportive place and time when you think the other person will be receptive to this kind of conversation. If it's a workplace issue, if at all possible don't have this conversation at the workplace.
Don't make the other person wrong. You might be wondering how you can let someone know that their way of doing things might be in conflict with yours and not dump on them. But remember they might not even be aware of how their actions or words have impacted you. This is where you get to develop your expertise.
Start the conversation with an observation. In the workplace the conversation might go like this: "I know how important this project is to you and it has some good merits. Let me tell you how I feel. I know it's different than what you expected but perhaps there's a way that works for both of us."
With Sean I could have had the following conversation: "I feel like you are pulling away from me". "Did I do something that offended you ?" "Are you ok?" That conversation would have made me aware that the distancing that I was experiencing wasn't because of me.
Sometimes you just have to be courageous and be willing to live with the consequences. With Lori I could have had the following conversation much sooner. "Lori, we've been together for a while now and it's clear that we want different things from life. We have different dreams."
Some final thoughts seem appropriate. Sometimes you just have to ask the questions even though the answers might be painful. Having the conversation is an art form. It might seem awkward in the beginning but that's where the practice comes in. If you don't address what's bothering you the problem won't miraculously go away.
I believe there is a conversation that we can have that can heal most relationships in our life. We already are aware of which relationships these are but have resisted initiating the conversation. It's time to be courageous and begin this conversation. Imagine what a difference we could make in our lives and in the world if we all committed to having this conversation. It all starts here. We can choose to begin now.
We'll have plenty of opportunity to practice. As they say practice makes perfect. Maybe not perfect but pretty good.
Journey On
© Copyright 2006 Mark Susnow. All Rights Reserved.
Mark Susnow, Personal Coach. Leadership Consultant and inspirational speaker, inspires others to find more fulfillment and success in their life. A former trial attorney for 30 years and musician, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He has been a popular speaker for many prestigious organizations such as the SF Commonwealth Club and for many other private organizations. He has been a frequent guest and host on the popular radio show Seeing Beyond. Excerpts from these shows are available on his website. Most recently he is a coauthor along with such illuminaries Zig Ziglar, Denis Waitley, Brian Tracy and Jim Rohn in the book 101 Great Ways to Improve your Life. To find out more about Mark and his services, be sure to visit his website www.inspirepossibility.com
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