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| Category: Comedic Relief |
Date published: December 28, 2004 |
A rose by another name is still a rose...and so is a penis.
We avoid the proper names of our most private parts, of our anatomies, by referring to them by nicknames. A woman's breasts are called, "Jugs, bottles, boobs, etc. and those are just the upper parts of a woman's anatomy. I hesitate, no... I refuse to give the nicknames for the lower parts. The same goes for the man's lower anatomy...we give them names like "Jewels, blah, blah, blah." You see what I'm talking about... I can't even name them. Well, it was this little hang-up that caused the problem and my extreme humiliation on that fated day long ago.
Cabbage Patch Dolls, they are everywhere on the store shelves these days. No fighting, maiming, kicking, or scratching to get them, they have lost the appeal they had in the 80's. Back then, riots broke out as men and women scrambled to get their hands upon one of these treasures. Not me, I made my own. Oh, they didn't come with a birth certificate, nor were they quite as cute, but they served to satisfy a little boy or girl whose heart longed to hold one as their very own.
The heads came pre-made and were sold in boxes. All that was needed was the sculpted bodies in which I learned to sew quite skillfully. Mine came customized. You see; I offered to make my dolls anatomically correct, if so desired.
Archie Bunker starred on TV in "All in the Family" in those years. He and Edith had a daughter named Gloria and a son-in-law that Archie referred irreverently as "Meathead." They had a baby boy named Joey. It was during these years when the Joey doll came on the market complete with, you know what...a doo doo. Yes, that's what I called it on my own baby boys...a doo doo. I thought the Joey doll cute with its special little addition, but evidently others didn't because it didn't stay on the market for long. These anatomically correct dolls were used for sex education and to teach about sexual abuse. I don't think the average mother wanted one complete with, you know what, on their children's boy dolls.
I worked in a fancy office over looking the water back in those days. My boss, a well to do man with a young son, learned of my Cabbage Patch Dolls and requested I make one for his little boy.
"I make them anatomically correct for those who want it that way," I said.
"Yes, make it with a nootshie," he said.
Well, it was the first time I had heard "it" called that.
I went home that night and started on his boy doll. I removed one of the boy heads from its box and prepared the body. After sculpting the body to look like those of the store bought Cabbage Patch Dolls, I began to work on the "special little package" that distinguished it from a girl doll. With special care to not make the "parts" appear vulgar, I added, and then removed, the cotton as needed. Finally, it was at the "cute" stage, small and presentable. I did the same with the two little parts that went behind, below... whatever, of the, you know what.
The "boy parts" were now finished and in place and the doll was ready for his clothes. I sewed a pair of blue jeans and a red stripped shirt and slipped them onto the doll. I felt no need to add underwear. Pair of shoes and socks was added to the feet and the doll was finished.
I returned to work with the doll in a plastic bag.
"I have your doll," I said and pulled it out from the bag.
My boss looked at it and said, "Where is it?"
"Where is what?"
"The nootshie...where is the nootshie?"
"Right here," I said, pointing to the front part of the doll's pants.
His eyes grew wide, "What's it doing in there?"
Now it was me who looked incredulous.
"Where in the heck is it supposed to be?" I said, and pulled down the doll's jeans. "Isn't it cute?" I said, as I exposed his private parts.
A look of shock ran across my boss's face and I saw redness appear across his balding head.
"I didn't want one of THOSE," he said, "I wanted a pacifier."
"OOPS!" I said, and quickly shoved the doll back into the plastic bag.
That night I castrated, neutered...REMOVED, those little body parts. To make amends, I added an extra set of clothes and returned the doll to my boss...absent his nootshie, doo doo, you know what. Ahh, heck, minus his PENIS and, you know... those other things.
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In My Own Words: Out-of-the-Ordinary Experiences
